Red Flags and other views and tips.

Human nature is similar all around the world (within the confines of one's own culture); we all put our pants on one leg at a time. I guess that you are a visitor because you are looking to marry a woman from China? Well before you run off starry eyed and hopelessly in love (and we hope you do find the happiness you deserve), just be aware that not everyone in the world is an honest as you, nor what they tell you between words of love are real either.
First: Get the E-book called The low price is worth it if you are seriously considering finding and marrying a woman from China. You will find good first hand practical advice from a woman who should know as she runs the Asian Promise website. As a member of their Affiliate Program this site receives a small commission, do not feel that you have to buy the book to use this site's information or join the forum. We do not rely on donations, membership fees or free drinks to keep the site here for your information and enjoyment.

It is easy to fall for a woman in a far away land and find out later she is not all she said/appears to be. It has happened before and it will happen again, the trick is to make certain it doesn't happen to you! Some of the things to watch out for are:

• They tell you they can visit you on a tourist visa, or that you have to pay their government a fee to leave China.
• Another twist is they can join a tour group, and for a fee leave the group and stay with you until the group leaves for China.
• They are looking after a sick family member, or are unemployed/going to school.
• Constantly complain about how bad their life is in China.
• They are vague and totally ignore your questions.
• Aggressive in demanding money, gifts or presents for her family.
• Offers a different address if you wish to send flowers or a small gift.
• An age difference of 15 years or more.

Now those "Red Flags" you will find mentioned on most dating sites for any country in the world. Following are some tips from members of the forum on dealing with a woman from a foreign land.
Insist on chatting online and with a web cam, there are plenty of internet cafes if they don't have their own computer.
Ask for a recent photo, usually the first photo you saw of her was either "enhanced" or professionally taken.
Sending flowers? A Chinese florist will take a photo of your lady on delivery (for an extra fee) which they will email you.

My own view

A lot of words have been typed everywhere on the attitudes of both men and woman who get involved in an internet relationship with a person from another country. Now i suggest that while some may have been fortunate/lucky or whatever, on meeting and marrying someone quickly after meeting them for the first time, a lot also get burnt quite badly.
Some questions you need ask yourself and answer honestly and think seriously about are:

• Would you meet and marry a woman from your own town/country so quickly?
• Would you start sending money or supporting a woman after meeting her for the first time in your own town/country?
• Would you lend money to her family after a short time as you would if you were at home?

You probably wouldn't, so it amazes me when I read of this being done. How did the family survive before you met her/them and if it doesn't work out how will they continue to live? Is it a knight in shining armour syndrome that causes people to throw out the normal things they would do at home because the culture is different in the country of the woman they are visiting to save this poor woman and her family? Many will walk past a homeless person begging on a street yet will hand over hundreds or thousnads of dollars to someone they met once, probably have slept with and feel comfortable with and throw caution to the wind, but when it comes to marrying/arrival in their country it becomes important to get a pre-nup done. Too many go to get married without knowing the person they are marrying, it has worked out for some, but you should be going there in a first date frame of mind. I am a "traditional woman" seems to appear in most profiles on dating sites, I have yet to have anyone explain to me what a traditional woman is, however I can find no mention of a tradition that includes giving money before they are married.

Wages are not high is China, a Doctor friend of mine in Chongqing who is a heart specialist earns 2000 RMB a month, the average shop employee there earns around 900 - 1000 and manage to live on this as a combined household income, which is opposite to what we do in the west where what you earn is yours. Sending more than $200.00 dollars or so a month means the family is on easy street with you footing the bill and setting a precedent that will be with you for a very long time. The following choice is yours to make regarding giving money to the parents at marriage time: A lot of sites on customs mention that upon marriage the groom gives money to the parents. There are a large number of western men that follow this practice and just as many people that disagree with it too.

From people I have spoken with, including Chinese men and women they are adamant this applies to the first wedding only, that a second marriage of the woman this custom is not required. Older Chinese women with children (especially a girl) are not high on the list by their male counterparts as desirable for marriage. Before you write me complaining about that statement, it has been told to me by a number of Chinese people (both sexes). I paid a small amount to my wife's parents, would I do it again? No i wouldn't, if you decide to do it then the amount should be a small one not like some of the amounts I have seen written about, a couple of thousand RMB is a good ballpark figure. The culture of China does not mean you have to throw good old fashioned common sense out of the window.

For the Ladies

• Does he brag about how much he earns or is worth?
Could be he wants a younger woman to show off with all his other belongings?
• Is there a big difference in ages?
While age difference is not so important in your culture, for some men it boosts their ego to have a young wife to show off to other men.
• What are his views on children, does he accept yours from a previous marriage
Your son or daughter is loved by you and any good man wishing to marry a woman with children from a previous marriage should be willing to accept you all in his life, as you should accept his children too.
• Do you have different opinions on whether to have OR not have more children?
This can cause conflict later on so it is important to discuss it early if you are both thinking about getting married.
• Refuses to discuss why he is single and the reasons for it.
You both need to be open and honset in your relationship, not talking about it means that he could be still carrying emotional baggage, which is a western term for being not over his past relationship and bringing those feelings (hurt, anger or mistrust) into your relationship.
• Aggressive and/or demanding in sexual matters in the bedroom.
Different cultures have different attitudes to sex and sexual freedom, don't do anything you feel uncomfortable doing and explain your feelings why you don't want to do something.
• Constantly ask's you to show your body to him (or him to you) on webcam or email pictures of you naked to him?
A nice and genuine man will not ask you to do this.
• Ask's you to have cyber sex online with him. (Talk in an explicit manner and describe having sex together).
Again a nice and genuine man will not ask you to do this.
• Omits details of his own family and doesn't have any photo's he can email you of them?
Ask yourself, what does he have to hide?
• Is advanced in age and yet says he has never been married?
Rare in Western culture for a man not to have been married. It's common to be married at an earlier age than it is in China
• Has to take out a substantial loan to come and visit you?
If he has to do this to visit you, will he have the means to support you when you are married?
• Is visiting more than one town in China before he comes to your town?
Could be seeing more than one woman on his trip before making a decision OR could be having a fun trip where he gets free/cheap place to stay and sex with different woman.
• Retired and living on a pension?
Can he afford to support you both on a pension?

Ladies please be aware that not all men are genuine either, that life is not always better in another country. Some men want a "mail order" bride, someone who will do what they are told and have no respect for the woman once she arrives. They expect you to live by their rules and restrict contact with family back in China or being allowed to make new friends. You should (if seriously thinking about getting married) ask questions like are there any China Town markets near where he lives, any Chinese associations or groups you can join when there? A genuine male will find things out like this because he wants you to be comfortable in your new home and help you to settle in. Being told he will teach you English at home is a warning sign, there are usually plenty of places to learn English (both free and paid) and to not let you go to an outside class shows he could be a controlling and demanding husband.

Much older men may also suddenly decide to move to China to live, their savings or pension is worth more when converted to RMB so they can afford to live a little better than in their own country, if it is a sudden decision by them to move there they will need someone to help them with getting around and living in China so he may want a wife to look after.