Culture and Customs
How does one learn about Chinese culture? The one person who knows is the one born there and spent their life growing up in the culture, they know the general rules and laws but each area and even each family can have their own customs. Think of your town/area, (any country) you are a citizen of your country but how many times have you heard, "those up north/south/east or west are a different breed" or "this is how we do things here"? China is no different and neither are it's citizens. They are governed by centuries of a rich and varied cultural influence from the different Emporers as well as the cultural reveloution and their constitution. There are 5 major ethnic groups with many sub groups with-in each group based on location. Throw into the mix a number of different dialects amongst 1.3 billion people and you can see how things get mixed up when looked at from a foreigners point of view.
We are not experts on Chinese culture, customs and traditions, but we can tell you, that like you they are proud of their country. There are so many versions of what to do, what not to do and what is expected to make your head spin. Presented here are a few snippets for you to get to know a little morethe past and present of China. With one of the oldest cultures in history you could spend a lifetime learning (and miss out on the woman of your dreams) and still not be an authority on China. So read, learn, apply common sense and if you have a question the Forum is only a few clicks away.
First ...... Good Manners and Etiquette:
Its just common sense good behaviour, however China has it's own style so do not confuse it with other Asian cultures. Etiquette described is basic but does not take into account that practised by the many minority groups. You will be forgiven for the many etiquette blunders that you will make, so don't worry too much, however, your hosts will be impressed if you show some knowledge of Chinese etiquette. They know (and you should remember) that you are not, nor ever will be Chinese.
Always be polite. You may find yourself being stared at , but don't take this as aggressive. They are curious as a lot of Chinese have not seen a European up close. Many who are learning English or even just know the word Hello will want to talk with you, especially the children! You are a guest in their country, and a representative of your country. It's like being an unofficial ambassador. They will examine you closely for your attitude towards them, your actions, your reactions, your temperament, and ability to adapt to the culture. As proud people with a culture thousands of years old, they deserve respect, so keep that in mind. Look at them through their culture and you should have no problems and enjoy yourself. The following was posted on an old forum by a member named Doc McCoy, it is true now as it was then:
To me - when visiting another country - one should always remember the protocols of being a guest.
One of those protocols is to never criticize the country (home) that you are visiting. If you want to criticize, then the question that begs to be answered is: Why are you here if it is so terrible or not up to your standards?
Another protocol is to never tell your hosts how great things are for you back "back home."
Another protocol is that when playing host, you never criticize your guest's country or things associated with your guest's country and lifestyle.
I travelled Internationally for years before I retired. In my travels, I was invariably embarrassed by my fellow countryman and their continual bleating about how great their country was and how much better it was than the country that they were visiting.
Even here in China I avoid my fellow countryman as much as possible. Went to a dinner sponsored by a Chinese group with them, and they personified the "Ugly Tourist" completely and totally. Drunk, loud and obnoxious.
Granted, not all people are like that - but a large percentage of them are - especially when they start trying to impose their countries beliefs and such on others.
When travelling, there is no need to proudly wave the flag of your country. The countries you are travelling to are not at war with you or your home country. Why try to turn it into that type of situation?
Makes you think doesn't it?
Basic Daily Etiquette
Chinese people will nod or bow slightly as an initial greeting. Handshakes are also popular but wait for your counterpart to initiate the gesture. Usually Chinese people do not like being touched, especially if older or in positions of authority. This can change once you become a family member or good friend. When meeting for the first time acknowledge the most senior in a group first. Displays of affection or kissing or hugging are generally not accepted in public but holding hands is ok. Don't put your hands in your mouth, it is considered vulgar. In public, avoid biting your nails, removing food from your teeth is politely done by covering your mouth with your hand as you use a toothpick. Pushing is common in queues and spitting in public is acceptable (although there are recent attempts by the government to educate the citizens prior to the to the Olympics in 2008).
As far as dress standards go, casual clothes are acceptable everywhere, and smarter clothes can gain more respect. Revealing clothes should be avoided. Most times people are not forthcoming with information unless specifically asked for it, so prepared to ask direct questions to get information you need. Locals may not even speak honestly but will try to say what they think you want to hear. This is not done out of malice and a bit of patience and understanding is what is needed. Chinese are courteous but reserved and politeness is always appreciated Don't be fooled by a smile as it can mean the person is upset/embarrassed. Try to avoid confrontations that may cause a loss of "face". Confrontation is not appreciated and will only worsen a situation than resolve it.
Dining Etiquette
Customs and the varieties of food eaten vary greatly from region to region, There is not, in general, the association as in the West between the type of food for a certain time of day it should be served (like cereal for breakfast, sandwich/salad for lunch, steak or roast for dinner).
The types of dishes served at the three main meals are pretty similar. The goal appears to be to provide a number of dishes so instead of a difference by comparison between one meal and the next, each meal includes a range of ingredients. An individual place setting for an everyday meal includes a bowl for rice, chopsticks, a
flat-bottomed soup spoon, and a saucer. Meat and vegetable dishes are laid out all at once in the centre of the table, and the diners select and eat directly from the communal plates using their chopsticks. Soup is also eaten from the common bowl. Rather than for serving oneself a separate portion, the saucer is for bones and shells or as a place to rest a bite taken from a communal plate when it is too large to eat all at once. It is perfectly acceptable to reach across the table to take a morsel from a far-away
dish. In order to cool the soup and to diffuse the flavour in the mouth, soup is eaten by sipping from the spoon while breathing in. This of course produces slurping noises that generally. Try the food, going to another country and looking for the first burger or pizza chain defeats one of the joys of travelling, however you may find at times you need a bit of western food, but don't expect it to be "like back home" either. If you need a knife/fork/spoon ask for one!
Banquets and Drinking
Drinking takes an important place in some Chinese banquets. Toasting is mandatory and the drinking of spirits commences only after the host has made a toast at the beginning of the meal. It's likely that he will stand and hold his glass out with both hands while saying a few words. After his initial toast, drinking and toasting are open to all. Subsequent toasts can be made from person to person or to the group as a whole. No words are needed to make a toast, and it is not necessary to drain your glass, although to do so is more respectful. Remember that hard liquor should never be drunk alone. If you are thirsty, you can sip beer or a soft drink individually, if you prefer to drink hard, catch the eye of someone at your table, smile and raise your glass, and drink in unison. Beer and soft drinks can be used for toasting.
It is impolite to fill your own glass without first filling glasses of all others, it applies to all drinks and not just alcohol. If your glass becomes empty, it is likely that the host will fill it for you immediately. When filling another's glass, it's polite to fill it as full as you can without having the liquid spill over the rim. This symbolizes full respect and friendship. It is a matter of courtesy for the host to try to get his guests drunk. If you do not drink alcohol, make it known at the beginning of the meal to prevent embarrassment. Your host may good-naturedly try to push you into drinking. One way to eliminate this is to tell your host you are allergic to alcohol. It's not unusual for some Chinese to become quite drunk, although vomiting or falling down in public entails loss of face. After you have been entertained by your Chinese friends, it is proper to return the favour unless time or other constraints make it impossible. A good time to do this would be on the eve of your departure.
Gifts
Chinese people consider gifts an important part in showing courtesy. It's appropriate to give gifts on occasions such as festival, birthday, wedding, or visiting a patient. If you
are invited to a family party, small gifts like wine, tea, cigarettes, or candies are welcomed. Also fruit, pastries, and flowers are a safe choice, you should pay attention to the cultural differences, odd numbers are thought to be unfortunate. Wedding and birthday gifts for the aged are always sent in pairs, as old saying goes that blessings come in two's (or pairs). Even though four is an even number, it reads like death in Chinese. A gift of a clock sounds like you're attending another's funeral so it is also taboo. Connected with death and sorrow, black and white should also the last in choice. Gift giving is unsuitable in public except for some souvenirs. Good intentions and gratitude should be priority, not the value of the gifts. Otherwise the receiver may mistake it for a bribe.
Do:
Remember that "face" is very important to the Chinese. Don't make them lose face by making them appear dumb, or because you are confrontational and make someone back down in public. Even when fiercely bargaining in a market, you should take care not to make people lose their pride in front of others. A laughing, joking attitude when driving to clinch a hard deal works a lot better than banging and shouting: "Hey," I protest to an old lady trying to charge me 10 times the going rate for a painting, "I'm a poor, old, starving, crippled, unemployed, poverty-stricken ignorant foreign devil". She cackles, and then cuts her outrageous price.
Use both hands to receive and give things, e.g. a glass at a table, returning a borrowed pen, accepting your bill in a restaurant. It shows respect and indicates that you are a civilised human being.
Be polite.
It costs you nothing but pays a fortune, Never force someone into a corner where they are going to have to publicly shame themselves; You may win a point but you've made a lifelong enemy and shown yourself to be an arrogant bully.
Remember that life in China depends on guanxi (connections). It's who you know which gets things done. In Chinese society, it is totally acceptable to use friends, relations, odd acquaintances, school chums or anyone at all to ask for favours or special treatment. This is far more extensive than the Old School Tie network and applies to anything from a business license and train ticket to a place in school for a neighbour's kid or a job.
Don't:
Expect to get the truth all the time in China. That's because people tell you what they think you want to hear. You can sit about at a bus station or airport and nobody will tell you that the service has been cancelled or delayed. They simply do not want to be bearers of bad news.
Scream in rage or lose your self-control, if you can help it. This makes you look shameful in front of the Chinese.
Be surprised when you get a giggle when a mistake has been made. The Chinese show their embarressment by giggling at you.
Personal View
My view is some try too hard to become Chinese, others try too hard to be a Westerner and apply their rules to all situations. Well, either is a recipe for failure, you can not change where you were born, bought up, change your views with a flick of a switch after years of life experience. Your lady fell in love with who you were when she met you. How many times in divorces do you here one claim the other spouse "changed" or is "no longer the person they married"? If your wife is coming to your country to live, it will be her that will need to make adjustments and changes to be accepted, even if you go to live in China you will never be accepted as Chinese. Learn the culture/language/history by all means, it may help you with (or cope) with the mindset of your wife but don't become obsessed with becoming Chinese because you never will.
First ...... Good Manners and Etiquette:
Its just common sense good behaviour, however China has it's own style so do not confuse it with other Asian cultures. Etiquette described is basic but does not take into account that practised by the many minority groups. You will be forgiven for the many etiquette blunders that you will make, so don't worry too much, however, your hosts will be impressed if you show some knowledge of Chinese etiquette. They know (and you should remember) that you are not, nor ever will be Chinese.
Always be polite. You may find yourself being stared at , but don't take this as aggressive. They are curious as a lot of Chinese have not seen a European up close. Many who are learning English or even just know the word Hello will want to talk with you, especially the children! You are a guest in their country, and a representative of your country. It's like being an unofficial ambassador. They will examine you closely for your attitude towards them, your actions, your reactions, your temperament, and ability to adapt to the culture. As proud people with a culture thousands of years old, they deserve respect, so keep that in mind. Look at them through their culture and you should have no problems and enjoy yourself. The following was posted on an old forum by a member named Doc McCoy, it is true now as it was then:
To me - when visiting another country - one should always remember the protocols of being a guest.
One of those protocols is to never criticize the country (home) that you are visiting. If you want to criticize, then the question that begs to be answered is: Why are you here if it is so terrible or not up to your standards?
Another protocol is to never tell your hosts how great things are for you back "back home."
Another protocol is that when playing host, you never criticize your guest's country or things associated with your guest's country and lifestyle.
I travelled Internationally for years before I retired. In my travels, I was invariably embarrassed by my fellow countryman and their continual bleating about how great their country was and how much better it was than the country that they were visiting.
Even here in China I avoid my fellow countryman as much as possible. Went to a dinner sponsored by a Chinese group with them, and they personified the "Ugly Tourist" completely and totally. Drunk, loud and obnoxious.
Granted, not all people are like that - but a large percentage of them are - especially when they start trying to impose their countries beliefs and such on others.
When travelling, there is no need to proudly wave the flag of your country. The countries you are travelling to are not at war with you or your home country. Why try to turn it into that type of situation?
Makes you think doesn't it?
Basic Daily Etiquette
Chinese people will nod or bow slightly as an initial greeting. Handshakes are also popular but wait for your counterpart to initiate the gesture. Usually Chinese people do not like being touched, especially if older or in positions of authority. This can change once you become a family member or good friend. When meeting for the first time acknowledge the most senior in a group first. Displays of affection or kissing or hugging are generally not accepted in public but holding hands is ok. Don't put your hands in your mouth, it is considered vulgar. In public, avoid biting your nails, removing food from your teeth is politely done by covering your mouth with your hand as you use a toothpick. Pushing is common in queues and spitting in public is acceptable (although there are recent attempts by the government to educate the citizens prior to the to the Olympics in 2008).
As far as dress standards go, casual clothes are acceptable everywhere, and smarter clothes can gain more respect. Revealing clothes should be avoided. Most times people are not forthcoming with information unless specifically asked for it, so prepared to ask direct questions to get information you need. Locals may not even speak honestly but will try to say what they think you want to hear. This is not done out of malice and a bit of patience and understanding is what is needed. Chinese are courteous but reserved and politeness is always appreciated Don't be fooled by a smile as it can mean the person is upset/embarrassed. Try to avoid confrontations that may cause a loss of "face". Confrontation is not appreciated and will only worsen a situation than resolve it.
Dining Etiquette
Customs and the varieties of food eaten vary greatly from region to region, There is not, in general, the association as in the West between the type of food for a certain time of day it should be served (like cereal for breakfast, sandwich/salad for lunch, steak or roast for dinner).
The types of dishes served at the three main meals are pretty similar. The goal appears to be to provide a number of dishes so instead of a difference by comparison between one meal and the next, each meal includes a range of ingredients. An individual place setting for an everyday meal includes a bowl for rice, chopsticks, a flat-bottomed soup spoon, and a saucer. Meat and vegetable dishes are laid out all at once in the centre of the table, and the diners select and eat directly from the communal plates using their chopsticks. Soup is also eaten from the common bowl. Rather than for serving oneself a separate portion, the saucer is for bones and shells or as a place to rest a bite taken from a communal plate when it is too large to eat all at once. It is perfectly acceptable to reach across the table to take a morsel from a far-away dish. In order to cool the soup and to diffuse the flavour in the mouth, soup is eaten by sipping from the spoon while breathing in. This of course produces slurping noises that generally. Try the food, going to another country and looking for the first burger or pizza chain defeats one of the joys of travelling, however you may find at times you need a bit of western food, but don't expect it to be "like back home" either. If you need a knife/fork/spoon ask for one!
Banquets and Drinking
Drinking takes an important place in some Chinese banquets. Toasting is mandatory and the drinking of spirits commences only after the host has made a toast at the beginning of the meal. It's likely that he will stand and hold his glass out with both hands while saying a few words. After his initial toast, drinking and toasting are open to all. Subsequent toasts can be made from person to person or to the group as a whole. No words are needed to make a toast, and it is not necessary to drain your glass, although to do so is more respectful. Remember that hard liquor should never be drunk alone. If you are thirsty, you can sip beer or a soft drink individually, if you prefer to drink hard, catch the eye of someone at your table, smile and raise your glass, and drink in unison. Beer and soft drinks can be used for toasting.
It is impolite to fill your own glass without first filling glasses of all others, it applies to all drinks and not just alcohol. If your glass becomes empty, it is likely that the host will fill it for you immediately. When filling another's glass, it's polite to fill it as full as you can without having the liquid spill over the rim. This symbolizes full respect and friendship. It is a matter of courtesy for the host to try to get his guests drunk. If you do not drink alcohol, make it known at the beginning of the meal to prevent embarrassment. Your host may good-naturedly try to push you into drinking. One way to eliminate this is to tell your host you are allergic to alcohol. It's not unusual for some Chinese to become quite drunk, although vomiting or falling down in public entails loss of face. After you have been entertained by your Chinese friends, it is proper to return the favour unless time or other constraints make it impossible. A good time to do this would be on the eve of your departure.
Gifts
Chinese people consider gifts an important part in showing courtesy. It's appropriate to give gifts on occasions such as festival, birthday, wedding, or visiting a patient. If you are invited to a family party, small gifts like wine, tea, cigarettes, or candies are welcomed. Also fruit, pastries, and flowers are a safe choice, you should pay attention to the cultural differences, odd numbers are thought to be unfortunate. Wedding and birthday gifts for the aged are always sent in pairs, as old saying goes that blessings come in two's (or pairs). Even though four is an even number, it reads like death in Chinese. A gift of a clock sounds like you're attending another's funeral so it is also taboo. Connected with death and sorrow, black and white should also the last in choice. Gift giving is unsuitable in public except for some souvenirs. Good intentions and gratitude should be priority, not the value of the gifts. Otherwise the receiver may mistake it for a bribe.
Do:
Remember that "face" is very important to the Chinese. Don't make them lose face by making them appear dumb, or because you are confrontational and make someone back down in public. Even when fiercely bargaining in a market, you should take care not to make people lose their pride in front of others. A laughing, joking attitude when driving to clinch a hard deal works a lot better than banging and shouting: "Hey," I protest to an old lady trying to charge me 10 times the going rate for a painting, "I'm a poor, old, starving, crippled, unemployed, poverty-stricken ignorant foreign devil". She cackles, and then cuts her outrageous price.
Use both hands to receive and give things, e.g. a glass at a table, returning a borrowed pen, accepting your bill in a restaurant. It shows respect and indicates that you are a civilised human being.
Be polite.
It costs you nothing but pays a fortune, Never force someone into a corner where they are going to have to publicly shame themselves; You may win a point but you've made a lifelong enemy and shown yourself to be an arrogant bully. Remember that life in China depends on guanxi (connections). It's who you know which gets things done. In Chinese society, it is totally acceptable to use friends, relations, odd acquaintances, school chums or anyone at all to ask for favours or special treatment. This is far more extensive than the Old School Tie network and applies to anything from a business license and train ticket to a place in school for a neighbour's kid or a job.
Don't:
Expect to get the truth all the time in China. That's because people tell you what they think you want to hear. You can sit about at a bus station or airport and nobody will tell you that the service has been cancelled or delayed. They simply do not want to be bearers of bad news.
Scream in rage or lose your self-control, if you can help it. This makes you look shameful in front of the Chinese.
Be surprised when you get a giggle when a mistake has been made. The Chinese show their embarressment by giggling at you.
Personal View
My view is some try too hard to become Chinese, others try too hard to be a Westerner and apply their rules to all situations. Well, either is a recipe for failure, you can not change where you were born, bought up, change your views with a flick of a switch after years of life experience. Your lady fell in love with who you were when she met you. How many times in divorces do you here one claim the other spouse "changed" or is "no longer the person they married"? If your wife is coming to your country to live, it will be her that will need to make adjustments and changes to be accepted, even if you go to live in China you will never be accepted as Chinese. Learn the culture/language/history by all means, it may help you with (or cope) with the mindset of your wife but don't become obsessed with becoming Chinese because you never will.